It’s no secret by now that my documentary feature film, ‘Amy’s Victory Dance,’ is out on Amazon, Apple TV, iTunes, Google Play, Vudu, and YouTube movies.
This is mind-blowing to me on many levels.
Honestly, so much has been going on in work and life that when I woke up on Friday, May 13 it was a fleeting thought that the movie would be live. To clarify, we had been told about Apple TV, iTunes, Google Play, and Vudu. Amazon seemed a stretch.
When I got the call at about 10:30 am I was speechless. I pulled up my Amazon Prime account and there was my picture on my movie poster saying rent or buy this film. I stared blankly at my iPad screen in utter shock. My director Brian Thomas and producer Brian Rubiano were in the line waiting for my response.
Now you would think that news like this would send a person screaming and jumping for joy, but I was dumbfounded, my breath was taken away. Tears filled my eyes. I didn’t know what to think. A kind of numbness came over my body. What was happening? Had I succeeded?
We have talked in some depth here that, as trauma survivors, we don’t innately expect things to work out. There is an effort to reframe and redirect the mindset and reaction that the other shoe will invariably drop at any moment.
This got me thinking about a scene in the iconic film ‘Pretty Woman.’ Julia Roberts and Richard Gere are having an intimate conversation in which he tells her, and I am paraphrasing, how beautiful and extraordinary he thinks she is. Every girl’s dream, right?
Julia Roberts then looks at him with painful eyes and responds ‘Yeah, but the bad stuff is easier to believe.”
My immediate reaction to the news was a sense of work-induced panic. I wanted to get off the phone and frantically start getting reviews. I wanted to call someone, but I don’t have a boyfriend, an ongoing source of longing and pain. I messaged a couple of close friends but the feeling in my body was still absent. I simply had no idea how to handle such amazing news.
As is often the case, I redirected my energy to the task at hand and finished the project in front of me on deadline. It was a beautiful spring day in New York City and by 3 p.m. I forced myself to shut down the computer and go out for a stroll and a coffee.
I sat at an outdoor café across the street from Lincoln Center Plaza. I watched the people go by. I longed for a feeling or a response other than disbelief.
Then it hit me, this is a trauma response. I can flip it in the blink of an eye. At this moment the other shoe isn’t going to drop. Maybe for the first time in my life, it’s a moment to give myself credit.
The movie is the brilliant vision of Emmy nominated and award-winning director, now filmmaker, Brian Thomas. It was the tenacious and relentless post-production work of Brian Rubiano that got us here, but it was MY story that started the process moving back in 2016.
In the days that followed the shock began to wear off. For me, the film has always been rooted in a deep spiritual mission that we can overcome anything and are never a victim of circumstance. It is a story about the power of the human condition. Given the state of the world, this movie is timelier than ever.
I can’t exactly say I’ve landed on a feeling, but I am determined to let myself enjoy this moment.
To my fellow trauma survivors or people who just don’t expect things to work out I want you to know I understand. I am also giving you absolute permission to bathe in your daily victories no matter how big or small. Retreating to fear or sadness or overwhelm is a reaction that may have served us in another moment, but this moment is for you to SHINE.
All I can say is thank you for your support. I hope the film is a source of hope, inspiration, strength, and courage.
You are WINNING!